Jill McGown

This time I'm so late that this is going to run through November. I'm sorry, but there's been a lot to do lately, not least of which is the writing of Lloyd and Hill number thirteen, so I got, as they say, all behind.

And during November, this site will celebrate its first birthday, so I'll take this opportunity to thank everyone who has written to me during its first year. I have really enjoyed hearing from you, so keep it up, won't you? And I promise to try to update it every month so you've got a good reason to keep visiting. There will be some new stuff to look forward to - the written extracts from the books are going to be joined by some audio extracts, read (with varying degrees of skill) by the professionals who record audio books for Soundings Ltd.

I have resolutely refused to do readings of my novels at conventions and book signings and talks for two reasons. One, if I try it I become breathless and incoherent, and two, even if I could conquer my fear of reading aloud to strangers, chances are I wouldn't be very good at it, because very few authors are, in my opinion. Leave it to actors, that's what I say! Even if they do have an unfortunate tendency to put the emphasis on the wrong words. For the most part they do a very good job, and I think you'll find the extracts interesting.

And I think the little BBC film of me touring some of the locations in the novels will be able to be accessed from this site very soon - it's only two minutes long, so you don't have time to get bored.

I also intend updating the biography a bit - not much, because not much has happened since I wrote it. But I hope to put a family photograph on there - one taken some fifty-something years after the one on our friends' yacht - so you can see what we look like now. Of course, we've all aged wonderfully well, so that's all right.

The search for a name for Judy's mother is now over; I have picked a name, and the winner has been notified. Thank you to everyone who made a suggestion. I won't tell you the name now - it will appear in L & H 13 which with any luck I'll finish on schedule!

This month I thought I'd leave you with an updated version of 'You're the Top' that you might like. Most of the references are very British, and I apologise to those of you who live elsewhere. Just so you understand, I will tell you that:

· Jim Laker is a cricketer who in the fifties took all but one of the wickets in a test match (an international) - something that no one has ever equalled. I won't explain further than that. Just believe me - it was good.
· 'Hello!' is a showbiz gossip magazine that pays large sums of money to people who are already very rich if they'll let the magazine cover their wedding. I don't know if it has an American version.
· Damien Hirst is the enfant terrible of the British art world who is fond of cutting up dead animals and displaying them suspended in formaldehyde.
· The Booker prize is, very roughly, the British Pulitzer.
· Delia is Delia Smith, a TV cook who has made an absolute fortune with her cook-books, and whose first name is now in the Oxford English Dictionary as an adjective to describe a meal made to her recipes.
· A double-first is the best degree you can get from a British university.
· The C5 was a battery-driven car invented by Clive Sinclair, the man who produced the first personal computer on the market. But the car turned out to be Britain's Ford Edsel.
· I know that Formula 1 motor racing isn't all that big in the States, so you might have to be told that Michael Shumacher is the best driver since Juan Fangio, and that Ralph, his younger brother, is not doing too badly himself.
· Mama Mia is a hugely successful stage musical based on Abba's music.
· 'Les Miz' is shorthand for Les Miserables, which is still running in London.
· The poll tax was the more truthful name given to the 'community charge' ill-advisedly brought in by Margaret Thatcher's government. The first time a government levied a poll tax in Britain was in England in 1381, and the people rioted, murdering the two men thought responsible for bringing in the tax. They rioted again in 1990, but drew the line at murder this time. The tax was replaced before the thought occurred to anyone.
· Betamax - did that happen elsewhere? It was the home video system that lost out to VHS.
· Eddie Izzard is a surreal and very funny stand-up comedian who occasionally wears skirts the way women wear trousers. When I saw him in London, he did a lovely routine about Pavlov's cats - the disastrous experiments he carried out before he thought of using dogs. Among other things, when the bell rang, the cat would look up boredly and say 'No thanks, I've already eaten.'
· Gareth is Gareth Gates, who came second in the British TV talent show 'Pop Idol' of which I believe an American version is running, and who is currently wowing the teeny-boppers. He is a very pleasant, nice-looking young man with a good pop-singer's voice, but speaking is a real trial for him because of his stammer. He is a genuine role-model for anyone with any sort of impediment, because he doesn't let it stop him doing anything, including giving interviews.
· Lastly, 'United' are Manchester United, of whom you have probably heard, even if you don't understand soccer. We've heard of the Dodgers and the Yankees.

I'm assuming you know who J K Rowling and Harold Pinter are, and I think what's left is international, so here goes.

You're the top; you are J K Rowling
You're the top; you're Jim Laker's bowling
You're a Hello! bride, the formaldehyde of Hirst
You're a Booker winner, a Delia dinner, a double first.
You're the holes in spaghetti strainers
You're the soles of new Nike trainers
I'm a C5 car, don't go far 'fore I stop;
But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top.

You're the top; you are both Schumachers
You're the top; Mama Mia's backers
You're the closing bars, the la-la-las of Hey Jude
You're Harold Pinter, an Olympic sprinter, you're North Sea crude.
You're the biz; you're The Phantom Menace
You're Les Miz; you're the Williams' tennis
I'm a Betamax, the poll tax, I'm de trop;
But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top.

You're the shirt of Nelson Mandela
You're the skirt of that Izzard fella
You're the fade that Tiger played with perfect loft
You're Kelsey Grammer, you're Gareth's stammer, you're Microsoft.
You're the cheers when United win big
You're the tears at the Oscar shindig
I'm a dot.com stake about to take a drop;
But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top!

And that's it. See you in December.

Love,
Jill
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Here is the BBC page
http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/eastmidlandstoday/ob/ob_rockingham.shtml

You will need Real Player to view the film that can be found if you click on the Births Deaths and Marriages cover.

You can download the free player here:
http://uk.real.com/freeplayer_r1p.html

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